Individual perspective is a necessarily distorted vision. It can blind you to what is really going on. Each of us has really our own experience to go on, we do not perceive other peoples experience. We are like a flock of blinkered sheep. Perhaps that is why our perspective improves with age, and the elderly often have the best perspective in what is really going on. They have had time enough to to discern real patterns in infrequent events.
An overview in my own life, looking at the lives of people around me raises the question, why are there so few happy relationships, or why do most relationships seem unhappy? I have to balance this with perhaps my viewpoint is a distorted perspective, perhaps my personal experience is based on a lop-sided sample.
That is why I am throwing this idea out there – to the other blinkered sheep – to see if my viewpoint is exceptional rather than typical.
My overview, is that most relationships are unhappy, which is why so many relationships break up.
In the course of my life I hardly ever met another woman in a relationship/married whose relationship I envied, or who had a partner I would have wished to have a relationship with, in many cases, on any basis.
In my twenties I never met any “marriageable” material, just married men looking to have affairs.
The experiences of other women attempting to have relationships were generally dire. The most determined would have one short term relationship after another bailing out quickly when they got abused, in the vain search for a man who seemed able to behave like a human being – that is , not play the male/female relationship as a master – slave relationship. Some of these eventually gave up and became gay.
At an early stage I avoided shared households after finding the males thought part of the deal was that women, not in a relationship with them, were still duty-bound to do their housework for them. I don’t know what was more annoying. That the males expected it or that the other females provided it.
So far, I think these perceptions are fairly commonplace, but there’s more, and from here the implications become more sinister.
I met women who had been raped, usually by their partner, and others who were physically and psychologically abused. Economic exploitation was routine.
I met healthy, intelligent, and mentally balanced single women, who exercised normal discretion in that their partners were normal men and not criminal/mentally unbalanced, who had been tricked and coerced by social workers into giving up their children for adoption. These were usually working class. I met single women, again working class, who when they had a child, the father would take it from them.
I met young women, who in their first relationship thought they had found the right man, and their relationship was good, happy and fulfilled, and to whom they had given their complete commitment, and then been summarily dumped because, for one reason or another, she didn’t fit into his lifestyle. Often the man was just doing a trial run, and was holding out for a woman of higher status and/or wealth. And I am not talking about working class girls here. These were middle class, and not low middle-class. It tore the heart out of those women.
I met women, who had found the right man, and everything matched, and then the man died suddenly. One woman, this happened to twice.
These women, so able to give happy relationships to others, and deserving of one themselves, did not end up in the happy marriage they so deserved. They ended up in serial relationships, broken one after the other by the men, living the lifestyle effectively, of modern courtesans.
I met women in happy relationships – happy on both sides – and another female, generally higher status, would determinedly destroy the relationship by hard pitching the man into an affair. When the relationship broke up the woman who instigated the relationship would dump the man. And also the reverse, although it happened less often. A man deliberately luring the woman away, then dumping her. There appeared to be no other reason than to destroy the relationships for the sake of it. This relationship sabotage was generally higher social class against lower social class.
I met women who had been raped by the boyfriends of the woman they shared a house with and women who had been raped by the abusive partner of the woman who lived next door.
OK, men abuse women, fact of life and hardly news. You expect there to be “bad apples”. But it seems to me that the pattern of relationship disruption, especially where the relationships were good, equal, concensual relationships, reveals a pattern you wouldn’t expect. An occasional good relationship breakdown against a background of good relationships surviving, I feel would be normal. What appears to be systematic destruction of good relationships does not look normal. The feeling is this is not just happenstance, it is a formula being followed. But why? The obvious answer is the commodification of women for the supply of sex. A good woman who marries one man and is monogamous, effectively removes her sexual assets from a wide field of men who wish to use her. The more desireable she is, physically and sexually, the greater the demand. Her stable relationship gets in the way, so it must be destroyed.