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As the honest resident’s and businesses of Harrogate and Knaresborough play at being James Bond, they fail to notice the most glaring fact of all – that the wool has been pulled over their eyes. Their ever-so-kindly-authorities-only-trying-to-protect-you-from-terrorists-and-evil-criminals have, in their infinite wisdom identified that working class woman pensioner, a widow, (retired post woman – what a dangerous occupation), as being a dangerous criminal and they need you – yes, YOU, to help watch her as she does dangerous things like going to the library, shopping in Waitrose, and eating a sausage roll in a cafe. 

Your James Bond script includes when she is in a shop banging down loudly any stock you have to move about; going out of your way to attempt to bump into her (perhaps if you bump her hard enough her bomb will go off blowing both you and her to kingdom come – but hey, you’ve saved everyone else in the store – or perhaps she will be provoked into karate chopping you in the throat and you can die a hero’s death. Talking nonsense to a fellow 007 from a script you will be given, in her hearing. (Being reminded of that bully of a teacher in Primary 7, will really scare the socks off her) this being one typical example of her scary private life which she thinks nobody else knows about – but the citizens of Harrogate and Knaresborough do.

Fond of gardening? Good for you. You can be usefully employed cutting down that tree or uprooting that bush which gets in the way of “the line of site” to her window. Feel a bit like a peeping tom? Don’t worry – now peering in a neighbour’s window is legitimate.

and while the “authorities” are watching the o.a.p. around the clock, and micro-managing your life 24/7 who is watching the terrorists and criminals?